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Cast of Characters
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The
Appalachian
Region Distillers
of America
(TARDA)
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John
Daniels (Tennessee),
played by
Rich
Penner
president of Jasper Newton Distillery, respected for
his
knowledge of whiskey. President of Torn Label Society
secret order of the Black Label.
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James
Beam-Noe (Kentucky),
played by
Gary
Wood
president of Noe-Tellin Brands; listens to
Willie Nelson on his 8-track stereo.
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Johnnie
Cougar (Indiana),
played by
Pat
Miskin
Chief Executive Officer of Down Under Distillers,
Sam Cougar Inc.; wants to begin a recording company based in
Jamaica
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Ethel
Williams (Kentucky),
played by
Nicole
Linn
sole owner of Headhunter Distillers; first
female owner of a major distillery in Kentucky; loves
Japanimation.
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Georgie
U. Stagg (Kentucky),
played by
Charliss
Randal
advertising director of Stagg Magazines, Films
and Micro-Distillers; has ventured into the porn industry in
Mexico.
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Paris
M. Craig (Kentucky),
played by
Jennifer
Rupe
co-president of Elijah’s Juice Distillery,
would like to know why Americans prefer Canadian whisky; is a
faithful follower of Brother John’s Church.
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lzzy
Brooks (Illinois),
played by
Arlan
Ponder
vice-president of Booked & Done Distillery; owns
a group of tattoo studios called “Neon Hillbilly Deluxe
Tattoos” with offices in Dallas, Memphis, Juarez and
Detroit. About to open one in a Canadian city, but there is no
word on where.
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William
Anderson “Hooch” Hatfield
played
by
Michael Mishkin
former IRS
agent who produces moonshine in his garage in the Appalachian
region of West Virginia; enjoys going to “the islands”
for a smokin’ good get away.
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Adeiphi
M. Mark
played by
Rebecca
Sheriff
owner of up and coming distillery, Confederacy
Distillery, in
Greenville, S.C., producing a whiskey called
“Woo Wee”.
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International
Bourbon
Society
(IBS)
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“Old
Joe” Seagram (Canadian),
played
by
Ken K Kern
president of Seagrams in
the Son Distillery, Windsor, Canada; believes Terry Jack was
pressured to change his hit to “Seasons in the Sun”
by members of TARDA.
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Herr
M. Walker (Canadian),
played by
William
Dallas
president of Detroit River Distilleries in
Windsor, Canada, wants to lure the new rapper, Three Dollar
Bill, to promote lBS products.
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Jacquie
Alexis Walker (Scotland),
played by
Jan
Wafful
public relations director of Swing Distillery,
Scotland; serves as vice-president for IBS, however, feels the
whole name thing could be settled with a last person standing
drink off.
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Shamus
Bushmill (Ireland),
played by
Ed
Zendel
founder of Shrubmill Distillery, Ireland;
wants to begin a
marketing campaign to teenage Appalachian
students to help them see the light.
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Will
Blue (Japanese),
played by
Joplin
James Sell
chief executive officer, Nikkayutu
Company, Tokyo, Japan;
wants to join TARDA, but has signed
a contract with lBS for another two years, believes
the lBS
will fail under the current administration of Toddy Billers..
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Antonio
Cuervo (Mexico),
played by
Viola
Penner
president of TexMex Distillery, Juarez, Mexico; has
ties
to the Mexican mafia and the drug cartels. Is believed
to be using her ties to assist lBS members with import of
their products.
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Toddy
M. Bitters (Jamaica),
played
by
Unknown
president of Irie
Bottling
Company, Montego Bay,
Jamaica; recently
elected
president of lBS at the convention
in
Memphis, Tennessee;
loves watching old Elvis movies.
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OTHER
IMPORTANT
PLAYERS
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Agent
“Elegant” Elliot Jameson (FBI),
played
by
Tice Sheriff
more worried
about recently discovered movie career than maintaining law
and order.
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Brandi
Schnapps (American)
played
by
Unknown
Attorney for the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives assigned to El Paso
office attended meeting to ensure 1968 directive was
maintained and no unlawful activities take place.
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M.
Blabbermouth
played by
Gloria
Wood
editor of Torn Label Magazine; produces monthly
magazine for
the bourbon connoisseurs.
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Ms.
Female Bitters
played by
Sandi
Lawrence
Wife of Toddy M. Bitters (Jamaica), Irie
Bottling Company, Montego Bay, Jamaica;
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"Whisky
A Goo Goo …"
or
"Don’t Change That Name"
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Whisky comes from the Gaelic
meaning
"water of life", possibly modeled on the Latin
phrase aqua
vitae.
The spelling whisky (plural whiskies) is generally used for
whiskies distilled in Scotland,
Canada
and
Japan.
A
1968 directive of the U.S. Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives
specifies
"whisky" as the official U.S. spelling, but allows
labeling as "whiskey" for those distillers who are a
part of The Appalachian Region Distillers of America (TARDA).
Most of the other U.S. producers prefer to use the “whisky”
spelling, but the members of TARDA don’t approve of this
disregard for tradition.
The
members of the International Bourbon Society (IBS) use a
mnemonic
to
remember which spelling to use. The mnemonic goes: "
Ireland " and " United States " have at least
one "e" in their names, while " Scotland ",
" Canada " and " Japan " do not.
With
all of this in mind, two groups of distillers hve met at The
Lodge resort in Cloudcroft, New mexico, to determine the
correct spelling of the work for the last time.
Due to
the hostile nature of the event, the Federal Bureau of
Investigations set their "poster boy" agent, Agent
"Elegant" Elliot Jameson, to maintain order.
Also sebnt to ensure nothing illegal takes place was Brandi
Schnapps, an attorney for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco,
Firearms and Explosives.
Unfortunately, the members
with IBS, who are a little more refined than the TARDA
distillers, find one of their colleagues, Toddy Bitters, dead
on the back lawn of The Lodge with Several bottles from TARDA
distilleries. Believing they' ve been set up by their
rival organization the members of TARDA plan to return back to
their homes, but another death has then standing "still."
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AND THE
MURDER
&
MANHEIM BEGINS...
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AND FUN WAS
HAD BY ALL...
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